I'm not really as stupid as I like to think I am.
If you have ever been invited to my house for dinner, it was probably with a disclaimer about my skills as a homemaker. I like to be up front with people. I tell them along with every invitation I am not very skilled at housekeeping, so that I don't feel like a complete idiot when they arrive and I realize I forgot to clean the bathroom. More than once, a guest has asked to use my bathroom and I have run in there ahead of them with the spray bottle and paper towels so as to save them from any yucky germs on the toilet seat and flush handle. I am not a germophobe. I just can't remember the last time I set foot in there, and I know that the kids don't clean the toilet very often or very well.
For years I have marveled at my friends who homeschool their kids more than I do and manage to keep their houses clean. It seems to me that they must have a magical formula that makes them able to do that. Do they keep caffeine drinks loaded in a camel pack all day?
On the rare occasions when I manage to do school work and do some cleaning all in one day, I stand on top of the hill, feeling like I just won Iwo Jima. I heft that giant, weighty flag of victory into its hole with my last ounce of strength. I stand up, stretch my back, wipe my brow, and look around. And all I can see is miles and miles and miles of identical hills to be conquered, all around me, stretching forever out into infinity. My shoulders sag, I slide down that flagpole and land on my rump, and put my head in my hands in despair. And I feel like today's battle was a waste, and the victory is empty, and the white flag of surrender is hanging out of my pocket, waiting to be flung into the air before the next day's battle even begins.
I just can't imagine doing that much work every single day, week after week, year after year. It's completely exhausting. The thought of getting up and doing that even two days in a row bores me to tears. Literally. I whine and fuss and complain to God, either out loud or in my heart, about the overly complicated balancing act of menial, repetitive tasks He has given me to do. And truthfully, if it were not for my friends who do it successfully and with grace, I would absolutely believe it is just plain impossible.
But it isn't. Or they wouldn't be doing it every single day, week after week, year after year.
So what is the magic formula? I know I don't "have it". I think I am just ignorant. I don't know how they do it. I read books and watch videos and probe into their personal lives asking questions like, "So, what time do you start school in the mornings? Do you feed the kids, or just skip meals so you can clean? Where do you find the time to clean the bed sheets more than twice a year? Do you ever have fun?" And then I am jealous because somehow they have time for fun, too, and I can't figure out how. I read the Bible looking for the one verse that will make it all clear to me, and I beg, BEG God to infuse my brain with wisdom to know what to do throughout the day. Should I clean first, and then do school? Or should I do school and then clean?
On the days when I pray before the day starts, I try to listen to the Holy Spirit leading me even in the smallest decisions. Then He says something like, "Okay. You asked me for wisdom, so here it is: you need to do that pile of dishes you've been letting sit for a week now. If your kitchen is a mess, feeding your family will not happen. You will forget to feed yourself, get so tired you can't think straight, and accomplish nothing you set out to do today. Start there, with the dishes."
That is smart. By definition, that is not stupid. Of course it isn't, because it is God's wisdom being given to me in answer to my prayer.
I can no longer claim rights to stupidity, or ignorance, or a mental handicap. No. At this point, I just choose to be downright stubborn. In my own passive-aggressive kind of way.
"Oh dear, Lord. I can't do those dishes right now. It will take two hours, and then I won't have time for school. Besides, I really need to check my email because so-and-so is going through a hard time right now and I need to see if she is doing okay. Aren't people more important than dishes? Will dishes really matter in eternity?"
But if I were honest, I am really saying: "I hate dishes. I don't want to do the dishes. They just pile up again before I've even dried the ones I just washed. I want to do something more important, and more interesting. Cleaning can't possibly be the way to keep my house clean. There must be a way that doesn't involve physical labor or effort on my part. God, I don't want wisdom. I want a housemaid!"
Proverbs 1:20-23 says, "Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets...(22) 'How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge? (23) Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you.' "
I read this recently, and it cut straight through my bluff. My years of bluffing. Of claiming God designed me with an inadequate brain for being a homemaker, and that He was slow in coming when I asked Him for wisdom. Wisdom, in these verses, is calling from without, not from within. When I begged God for wisdom, I was really asking Him to fix my problems on the outside so that I didn't look so bad when my friends came over for dinner. But I was not asking Him to change me on the inside, to care what our home was like when nobody but my husband was coming. I was not inviting the Spirit of Wisdom inside my heart, to do some cleaning of her own. And when I finally surrendered to the truth that my problems were not with a lack of intelligence, I saw the truth. And wisdom revealed to me the consequences that are coming if I don't change:
"Because I have called, and ye refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no man regarded; But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof: I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh; When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you. Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me: For that they hated knowledge, and did not choose the fear of the Lord...Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices. For the turning away of the simple shall slay them, and the prosperity of fools shall destroy them." (Vs. 24-32)
Proverbs 29:1 says "He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy."
I believe God's Word is true. I believe Him when He threatens to laugh at me when I fall flat on my face because I refused to obey the wisdom He provided. I truly, truly fear the day that I have hardened my heart and rationalized my sin one too many times, and I call upon Him for help, and He refuses to answer. In truth, I never would have dared to confront this in myself except that destruction came dangerously close: all my hopes of personally discipling my children through homeschooling almost came to an end because of my disobedience in this one area. My bad attitude toward doing the boring, mundane tasks that must be done to provide a healthy, peaceful home for my husband and children nearly cost me the most precious thing I treasure: time with my children.
What dream, what treasure, are you holding out over the abyss today by your disobedience to Wisdom's call? The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Invite wisdom inside, to sit on your dirty couch, look at your filth, and begin to help you sort through the mess, one attitude, one day at a time. I am doing this. I am taking a long, hard look in the mirror, letting the light shine on my darkest corners of selfish ambition, vain conceit, laziness, complacency, rebellion, arrogance, excuses and lies. It is so ugly in here. It is overwhelming, just like the rooms in my house that I close the doors on when company arrives. Today was an ugly day, where I opened the door to that room, looked, and turned and ran away. But now that wisdom is inside, I can't claim stupidity as an excuse for not conquering it anymore.
I'm not really as stupid as I like to think I am. I am just a rebellious child of the King. I am so thankful for Grace. But I am just afraid enough of the Father's discipline that I am working very hard not to trample on it anymore. Why don't you join me in doing the same today?
"But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil." (Vs. 33)
Dear Lord, I am so sorry for ignoring Your wise counsel even when I asked for it. Please, please have mercy on this wretched, conniving, sniveling soul. Thank You that You have known the depths of my wickedness all along, and have loved me with an everlasting love anyway. Thank You for Your Word and Your Spirit, that have opened the door to my room full of rubble, and that You will make something beautiful of it, in its time. Please expose the places in the hearts of my friends that need to be exposed, in order to make us all Your beautiful bride. And help us all want to change. Because to be honest, I'm still not sure yet that I want to fight the good fight to the end. It seems easier to throw up my hands, sit on my rear, and quit. But I believe You are worthy of more than that. Help me to believe You can change me from the inside out, to bring You the praise You deserve. Amen.
