Confession #1: I'm not supposed to be here

I'm not supposed to be here. Really.

I'm supposed to be in Africa right now, surrounded by a crowd of beautiful little sandal-footed African children in brightly colored dresses and shorts. They are all supposed to be smiling because they have been introduced to their Savior and mine. Their illnesses and injuries have been tended, and their bellies are satiated with the food they needed so desparately a short while ago. I was supposed to be the one who brought them hope, healing and love.

Somehow, though, I came to a crossroads in my life when I met and fell in love with a wonderful man at the age of 15. For three years, I was torn between pursuing life as a missionary or love as a married woman. A mature woman of 18, I decided on marriage, and I have yet to see Africa. Do I have any regrets today? Not in a million years. Did I spend the first ten years of my marriage wondering if God had somehow misplaced me? Absolutely.

It might be different if I was a natural homemaker. Maybe I wouldn't feel so out of place. But the fact that I didn't even realize homemaking was a career option did not prepare me for the rigors of this daily life. In elementary school, I distinctly remember a discussion on what we wanted to be when we grew up. I had already decided in second grade that I was going to be a medical missionary, and that hasn't changed yet. But in fourth grade, a very nice girl in my class raised her hand and said she wanted to be a homemaker like her mom. I had literally never heard the word before. My teacher scoffed and told her that wasn't a real career. I suppose he was right: it's several careers all jammed into one 24 hour period that leads into the next and the next and the next until one day you look up and realize a month, a year, a decade has gone by.

Over a decade has gone by since God diverted my calling from jetting off to Africa to experiencing the most rigorous Missionary Training Academy I could have dreamed: being a homeschooling homemaker.

I Corinthians 2:9 says, "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."

I never imagined my life would consist of endless loads of dishes, laundry, and diapers. My eye had never seen a woman living out her life as a full-time wife and mother. My ears had never heard anyone speak of that as something to be desired and valued. And it never entered into my heart that caring for your own family  and discipling your own children could be a higher calling than being a missionary on another continent.

Our God is a God of surprises, though. I wonder if Jesus imagined saving the world would require Him to play bartender in the little burg of Cana. Did He see Himself living the mundane life of a carpenter until He was 30 years old, waiting...and waiting...and waiting... for a green light from His Father to begin fulfilling His purpose?  Did He ever hear in His mind the idiotic things His best friends would say when He tried to explain His mission to them? Or the harsh words the Pharisees would use when they accused Him of healing by the power of Satan? Could He have anticipated in His heart the pain of betrayal, of crucifixion, of having the Father turn His face away? Was it possible for Him to understand what sickness, temptation, and a broken heart felt like before He experienced those things for Himself?

God does not make mistakes, nor does He misplace anything or anybody. Jesus Himself had to live a normal, sometimes boring, tiring, and painful human life for 30 years. Did He ever wonder if God had forgotten what He was supposed to be doing? Maybe so. But He had 30 years to learn how to be the Son of God, the Prince of Heaven, living in a human body, submitting to the will of the Father. In the same way, there are things I am learning in this time of my life that I could never have learned otherwise. And at the end of each day, after wondering for 13 years, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.