Confessions of Bible Moms #1: I am pregnant with my father-in-law's child

 Life isn't easy for a Canaanite woman who's been married off to a son of Israel, sometimes called Jacob. He didn't seem very happy when my father-in-law, Judah, introduced me to the camp. I later heard that he was downright angry about Judah himself marrying Shuah, a Canaanite also. At first, I didn't understand why it would matter. I am from a good family, and I came with a sizable enough dowry. Later, I understood the way the Israelites believe they are set apart from everyone else, and why they do not approve of marrying outside the tribe. I was not supposed to be included in the covenant their God had made with them. 

When my mother told me my father had chosen a husband for me, I was nervous, having never spoken with Er before. But I was also excited to finally become a real woman, and have children of my own to care for. I hoped I would learn what kind of man Er was, and that we would enjoy many happy years together. But Er was not the kind of man I dreamed of.  Being married into his family would have made me think Israelites were all coarse, cruel people with hearts of darkness.

If it hadn't been for his grandmother, Leah, I would have cursed them all, and their god. But in her tent, I found comfort after the worst days.  She herself had been married to Israel against her will, and suffered many things in her own marriage. Israel never harmed her, but a man can be cruel in so many different ways. I felt she understood what I was going through.

Leah seemed so different from most women I know.  If she were still here, I would have run many miles to her tent to tell her everything! I wish I could talk to her now, and tell her my secret, about the life growing inside of me. I am so happy I could cry! But I must not let anyone else see. Not yet.

Leah used to tell me of her early years with Israel, and how each time she had a child, she thought he might learn to love her. And she would always tell me how special Judah was, because that was the time in her life when she learned of a love higher and more reliable than the love of a man.

She said by the time she had Judah, she had learned that her God, Jehovah, cared for her, and saw her sorrow, and that it was He who gave her four sons to fill her arms with love. She would tell me of all the ways she had learned to recognize the care of their One God, and she taught me to begin to look for signs that He cared for me too. How many times I wept in her lap as she showed me such wonderful things in the world! Things that helped to lessen the pain of my own world, and give me hope when I had none. They said she had weak eyes, but I believe she saw better than any of the other women in her family.

 The other women of the camp spoke quietly, and sometimes, not so quietly, behind my back. They said that God had refused me because I was a Canaanite, and I could never be part of the covenant their God made with Father Abraham. I did not ask for anything so grand as that. I just longed to be a mother as I always dreamed--as all young women dream of.

I am sorry to say, I could not truly grieve in my heart when Er died, although I grieved for Leah in losing her grandson.  Perhaps that is why his brother and father blamed me for his death, and why Onan, too, purposely left me with no child. In a way, I was relieved, even though my arms were aching to have someone to love. I shuddered to think of looking into the innocent face of an infant and seeing Er's eyes staring back at me.  Leah told me that she believed her God, Jehovah, took her grandsons from the earth because they were so wicked. "If that is true, then perhaps there is a God who cares about me," I thought, "and maybe what Leah has been telling me is true." 

I wonder now what she would think of what I have done.Would she see that I had no other choice?

For many years I waited for Shelah, Er's youngest brother, to be grown so Judah could fulfill his promise to me. He said that I would be given to him for a wife when he was old enough. I did not hope for love, only for a child to call my own and fill my empty days. I finally realized he had no intention of keeping his word, and that I was powerless to do anything to force him into it. I spent many nights crying into my blanket, feeling that all hope was lost. But in these lonely years, living again as a widow at my father's house, I have learned to find the signs Leah showed me, to be comforted by knowing Jehovah still sees me.  I could not truly believe that He had forgotten me completely.

When I would walk alone in the fields, I heard whispers among the grass as I watched it bend away in the desert wind, as if reaching, wishing it could be free to fly away to some unknown horizon. Sometimes, I whispered back. I would say, "If you are true, Jehovah, God of Leah, please give me the gift of life. I know I am nothing but a Canaanite widow, and I have done nothing to deserve Your favor, but I am heartbroken. I am suffering because of things I can do nothing to control. If You care at all, as I believe You do, and as Leah believed, please remember me and help me find a way to become a mother." My family would have looked at me like I was a pitiful, poor dying creature if they knew I was speaking to a god out in the open like that, without even an offering to give! But they can't understand Jehovah like I do now.

When I chose to dress like a prostitute and lie down with Judah, my own father-in-law, was it any more of a sin than it was for him to go into a prostitute's house? Or for him to break the law and refuse to give me to Shelah even though he was of age? I know that because of what I have done, my life is in danger if I do not act very carefully when I can no longer hide my growing belly. Yet I feel an unexplainable peace and security. I cannot help but believe now that Jehovah is looking on me with favor. Did He not grant me a child?

Leah said that her God caused or prevented every conception. If that is true, then it must be true that He has granted mercy to me!  I just know in my heart that Jehovah will protect me and this child. He is truly a God who cares, even about someone like me. I am nobody important. I am not a part of the family of promise. I have nothing to bring to Him. But with this child, I will have something to give. I will teach him to know Jehovah, too.

"Thank You, Jehovah, the God over all gods, for hearing my plea for help. I am trusting in You."

**For the full story of Tamar, read Genesis 38 and Ruth 4:11-12. God not only allowed her to be a mother despite her creative way of going about it, but He gave her twins! That was a sign to the Israelites of God's special favor on any woman. Judah never slept with her again, but she received her deepest heart's desires: children to care for, and the knowledge of a God who cared for her. Her name became used as a blessing to other mothers down through the ages in Israel, and she is forever remembered as one of only four women who are mentioned in the lineage of Jesus Christ.

What is your deepest heart's desire today, in this week leading up to Mother's Day? This story reminds us there is a God who cares about us, as women, no matter who we are or how undeserving of His blessings. He sees our deepest needs, and He wants us to come to Him with them. Listen for His whispers of love today, and take some time to whisper back to Him.